a few trip photos

Fox noted that I never published pictures from my last Nashville trip, so here you go:



the boy...







the girls...









the girls and me...






almost to Austin, this is the look that got us free banana bread at Starbucks...

Proud

A screening of the film, Jumping Off Bridges, will be held the night before the Rosalynn Carter Mental Health forum, on Thursday, May 17, 2007, at 7pm at The Carter Center Cecil B. Day Chapel. The film follows a group of adolescents and the impact a parental suicide has on their relationships. A panel discussion will accompany the film, which will be free of charge and open to the public. Please R.S.V.P for this event by calling (404) 420-3804. The film will also be screened during the Rosalynn Carter Georgia Mental Health Forum on May 18 at 10am.

I'm very proud of this screening and while I would love to be there, I went to almost every screening we had last fall and this will be Kat's night to shine and be proud and even tear up a bit. The film is the culmination of so much hard work and the talent of so many good people, to be able to screen it for Rosalynn Carter, well, that's grace.

(Kat has promised to try to get me Rosalyn's autograph, she's someone I'd like to meet one day, have a cup of tea with, ask her questions, and talk about our daughters.)

I could list all the things that are amazing about being a Mom, like the pride when you see your kid doing something amazing. (This starts when they first walk and talk and continues as they learn to read, ride a bike, take the school bus, give a report, play soccer, etc. I am lucky in that I actually get to watch my girl sing on stage in front of a lot of people.)

I could talk about the hard parts, the drudgery, the expectations of what Mom's are "supposed to be" and how we're "supposed to act". I don't really want to go there today, though. Expectations are boring.


I could talk about the fun parts...running through sprinklers to "show them how it's done", water fights, pushing swings too high, going to the park, riding bikes through the woods, getting talked into puppies and kittens, etc.
Instead, I'd like to list some of my favorite Mother's Day presents. Some I get every year, some I've collected through the years.

My Top Ten Mother's Day presents:

1. Breakfast in bed or just breakfast.
   
• I get this every year.
• Coffee is always included. Now Ace knows how to make my coffee strong and dark like I like it. (Just goes to show that I've taught her some important life skills. )
• In the early years, as this has been going on since Ace was 3ish, breakfast included toast and cut up fruit. Very delicious toast and cut up fruit, that is. (I used to call this a "French breakfast", and later we took this idea and turned it into a "French dinner" which was a plate of any fruit or cheese we happened to have in the house sliced and nicely arranged on a plate with any bread/crackers we happened to have in the house.)
• Now, I get eggs scrambled with feta cheese and spinach, toasted English muffins and cut up fruit.
2. A Superman t-shirt with cape attached.
• It is still hanging in the closet should there ever be someone who needs to be rescued from a burning building or a runaway train. I no longer rescue stray pets or people.
• Note: This t-shirt reminds me to focus on the big picture, "superhero stuff", things like loving yourself, taking care of yourself, because until you do that, you can't "wear the cape", it's not possible.
  
3. Coffee cup - hand painted with a dragon fly and "Mom".
• This year I got a new coffee cup, not handmade but beautiful all the same with a fabulous quote written on it.
• In past years, I've received coffee cups with famous paintings on them and other amazing handmade ones. Sadly, some have broken, I've kept them all the same.
  
4. Fancy handmade jewelry
5. A red dress. I haven't worn it, it's not my size, or shape, but I still have it in the closet and I will probably always have it in my closet where ever I live.
6. Flowers.
   
• This year I have a colorful bouquet of roses and this other flower whose name I can't remember right now, but I love it and Ace knows I love it, so there ya go.
• In years past, I've gotten handpicked bouquets from a neighbor's yard. They have always mostly understood and this hasn't happened in a very long time.
  
7. Pencil holder made from a juice can wrapped in blue/green and white yarn. I use this every day and it's on my desk.
8. Chocolate cake - This is a staple, I get new chocolate cake every year, it never goes out of style.
9. Art of all kinds. I have a handmade teapot painted my favorite shade of blue, hand painted glass plates, one with a sunburst, one with a yin yang, one with polka dots, A ladybug wall hanging, one pottery bowl with a sculpture inside, and other items too numerous to list, here.
10. Cards that make me cry. This year, it says, something like, "More than I appreciate all you do, I admire who you are." When I opened it, she said, "I knew that would get you." and, of course it still does, every single time.

Christmas memory

In the bustle of Christmas, the 1,000 piece puzzle we always try to finish in two days, the rich food, the football games on television, here's what I love most:

• getting time to visit with my Dad and hear his stories and have him insist on getting the truck out to help me look for the horse cause it's cold and windy
• finding the box of Granny's knitting needles and yarn and dividing it up, then having my niece teach me a bit about knitting
• my mom's cooking
• time with friends from far away and hearing their new music, their new stories, seeing their beautiful faces
  
• the train set around the tree that stays on the track most of the time
• my Dad's crazy Christmas decorations
• a fire in the fireplace
• visiting with the friendly calves, Inky and Britney who run up to us in the front yard for snacks and scratches on the forehead (soon they'll be full grown cows and it won't be so cute, but for now...what the heck)
• going on a long ride on Dakota in the brisk cold late afternoon, all through the pasture with Bubba the donkey following along behind us - not wanting to be left behind - and watching the sky turn to a soft dusky orange and feeling grateful and happy
• coming back inside and making cocoa from scratch and standing in front of the fireplace to warm up

happy birthday Ace!

Annalise celebrates her 19th birthday today. She was barely 2 years old when she told me she planned to be a singer when she grew up.

She's done it.

When she was in 5th grade, she showed everyone in the audience at the Summit K-12 talent show, about 400 kids and parents, that she had a great voice along with the confidence and gumption to deal with adversity, when the sound system broke, forcing her to step up to the mic and sing her song acappella, on pitch and in tune. Now she's playing guitar and writing her own songs. She's smart and passionate, has a sense of adventure, knows how to budget her time and money and she's an incredibly hard worker. Oh and she's beautiful too. Yeah, you bet I'm proud, you would be too.

Music takes us out of the actual and whispers to us dim secrets that startle our wonder as to who we are, and for what, whence, and whereto.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Country music is three chords and the truth.
Harlan Howard

my grandfather

During my 10 mile run this morning, I was thinking a lot about my grandfather and some of the things he used to tell me. He died 12 years ago, and I don't care if it sounds crazy, but yeah, we still talk. He was a tiny man, barely 5'3" with a twinkle in his eye and a spring in his step.

He loved to read and I have several of his books here in my house including, Kundera's, The Art of the Novel, The Complete Works of Eudora Welty, The Writer's Handbook from 1988, The complete poems of Robert Service, and The Mier Expedition Diary, among many others. I still have a dog eared copy of Volume 1 of the American Heritage New Illustrated History of the United States, The New World that he gave me many many years ago. He thought everyone should know their history.

He passed the CPA exam on the first try, and only years later did he get his college degree by taking a class at a time, mainly literature and writing courses. He loved it when I worked on the literature titles at Holt, Rinehart and Winston.

He was too short to serve in WWII and he had too many kids by then, so he became a master cartographer. My grandmother's cousin, Audie Murphy, brought enough WWII action to the family anyway, I guess.

Here's some of the things I remember my grandfather telling me:

On what you want to do with your life:
"You can do anything you want as long as you're willing to work for it. You have to sit down and do it though, dreams will get you thinking, hard work will get you there, just love what you do and bring honor to everything you put out in the world."

On travel:
"Go, go and see the world. You'll find it's bigger than you thought and smaller than you thought at the same time. Be friendly and respect everyone you meet."

on family:
"Make us proud and know we'll always love you no matter what, no matter what."

On love:
"Life is going to throw you some curves, if you're going to be with someone on those curves, they need to be sweet to you, if they can't be sweet to you, it's gonna make things a lot harder, so don't even start off with 'em."

That's what I was thinking about during my run.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

We always have the traditional turkey with dressing and gravy made using my great grandmother's recipe. I usually bring something healthy-ish. This year, I made roasted root vegetables. No one was excited about this dish at first, but I did end up with the award for "best vegetable dish". We always have "pink stuff". It's a sort of cool whip/cherries jubilee thing that started years ago and we've made every year since because my brother loves it. His daughter loves it now, too, so I'm sure this tradition will continue. My aunt Casey brought spinach salad with mandarin oranges and walnuts. My brother always brings cranberry relish which he's perfected through the years and this year my niece, Skyler, brought some tasty sweet potato casserole with marshmallows and pecans. We always have the broccoli casserole, and everyone just skips over the fact that it's made with Cheese Whiz. My Dad likes to mix things up a bit, last year he made up some venison sausage, this year be gave us his famous barbecued ribs. There were pies, too, pecan, chocolate,and Annalise's organic pumpkin pie with wheat crust.

We're a family of odd traditions, we do our best.

This year we were missing some folks. My Grandmother Dovie, and Kayse, my cousin Clay's wife. They died within a week of each other. We said a prayer of thanks that we knew them as long as we did.

My highlights:

• When the calves born last June jump over the pasture fence to come and hang out with whoever's in the yard. For some reason, Inky and Brittney are especially tame. They will enjoy a long, happy, grazing life.
  
• Riding Dakota around the back pasture. I do this every holiday and Dakota, while spirited and a bit headstrong, was calmer this time. He even stood completely still so I could get up easily. He's a little out of shape, so I kept him at a lope, which is fun as hell and easier on him. We got in a little trouble when Breezy, the beautiful, bossy mare, who thinks she runs the pasture, spotted us and tried to join us. Dad caught her with a carrot and put her in the stall and we trotted on.
• Feeding carrots to our cranky donkey, Bubba. Maybe some day he will be tame enough to let me scratch his nose. It's a slow process, he's a shy one.
  
• Hanging out with the family.
  
• Running around the north pasture with Annalise and Skyler. This totally confuses the cows and horses and Bubba and they neigh and moo a bit, try to follow us, but mostly just toss their heads when we run by.
• When my daughter asked my Mom for the broccoli casserole recipe: frozen broccoli, minute rice, cheese whiz, cream of mushroom soup. That's tradition.
  
• Getting time to visit with my Uncle Bob who is full of good advice and jokes after he eats a lot of turkey.
  
• Hanging out with my best buddy Maggie.
  

We used to gather at the Brazos river every year and all the extended family would show up, some we were expecting, some who we were just happy to see. My cousin Sam and I would always take off on a hike through the woods and talk about our lives, our hopes, our dreams. Neither of us liked football or could stand being inside on a beautiful day and we were both full of big ideas.

Sam is in Afghanistan this year flying his jet, and his family is in NC. Clay and his kids spent the holiday day with his wife's family, a difficult holiday for all of them. We gather together who we have and bring our best to the table and say grace. Even with our losses this year, we have so very much to be thankful for.

baby sittin and blowing bubbles

I'm back in Waxahachie.

When I arrive from Austin, they treat me like a visitor from another country. They are very happy to see me. They need a break. They need time to watch TV, sleep, check out a bit.

I get to help out, which feels good. I also get to know the kids better, have a baby fall asleep in my arms, see some of her first smiles, it's really much more fun than a lot of things I might do on a Sunday night. Except for the drive, it's pretty fun.

They live far from town, so I get to see the stars come out. I'm friends with the farm dogs and cats and I get to visit with the horses.

It was pitch black by 6 p.m. tonight, but, right after dinner little Lane and I stepped out on the back porch to blow bubbles. He had on his p.j.'s and some cowboy boots. I sure wish I'd had my camera with me. It was cool out with a soft breeze, perfect bubble blowing weather.

Little Jessie was exhausted, overtired. She finally went to sleep. She'll be up again in a few hours and I'll be ready for duty!

Huzzah

My favorite cousin Sam has been in Texas for family emergency duty. The Marines let him leave his post in Afghanistan, he's a fighter pilot, and a damn good one, too. We're cut from the same cloth, Sam and I, except for my fear of heights, that is... In our family, we're the rebels, which only means that we do our own thing, we take risks without realizing we're being risky and we're independent without realizing we're more so than most people.

Sam is in great shape. He suggested a 10 mile "bonding" run around Town Lake on Sat. morning. I said, "sure." It's longer than I've run since the marathon. I'm usually a 7 miler on Saturdays. We started out faster than my usual pace. We hit 7 miles and I'd peeled 8 minutes off my usual time. At 8 miles, Sam asked, "how far are we?" "2 miles to go!" "I'd like to walk the last one." "that's cool." We ran to the Stevie Ray Vaughn statue and then walked the last mile in. I guess I can offically keep up with the marines. We did have a nice bonding run and I'm pretty sure I could have kept running that last mile...

In other news;
Nashville screening went great!
Houston screening went great!

Moving forward, yes we are. Huzzah! as they say in the Marines...at least I think that's what they say...

Dovie Sue Williams Schoolfield

The family gathered Thursday and said "goodbye for now" to the woman who held the heart and soul of our family.

In with the sadness was the absolute gratefulness that we got to know her and have her in our family as long as we did, 88 years.

As my cousin Anna said, "she could make a bed in a minute flat and loved to dance to 40's music in the living room." As my brother said, "she made everyone feel like they were the most important person in the room." As my cousin Nate said, "she taught me everything I needed to know about God by how she lived her life."

After a simple service, Annalise sang Granny's favorite hymn, "In the Garden", giving it a bit of a country feel, then we all went back to my parent's house, which is on the same patch of land as the log cabin my Grandmother was born in, to have dinner and tell stories and be together. We also got to ride the very tired, very fat, very patient farm horse, Dakota, and many of us got stickers and burrs all over our clothes when we walked out in the pasture that evening to watch the stars come out.

my girl's music

Back from Nashville last night. A long, good, trip.
I drove to Texarkana from Waxahachie, Wed. night, then on to Nashville on Thursday. I learned a lot from the marathon, probably the best thing I learned was how to break long things up into little chunks. Instead of 2 mile chunks, I thought of the trip in 2 hour chunks. There are lots of long, 2 hour chunks in a car with no tape player or CD player. I did talk to myself a lot, I cried a little, too, good remnants from the day before, and I downloaded a few pod casts. Still, anyone who has seen Annalise's car knows about the bumper stickers and driving through the south with a "Draft the SUV Drivers First" sticker can be a little daunting.

I had a great time with my girl. She's so wonderful, and I'm not just saying that cause I'm her Mom. I 'm seeing her explore who she is, and be challenged and change in little and big ways. She told me that academically, emotionally, socially, spiritually, on so many levels, she's growing. I can see it. She also told me that she might come home at Christmas break with a tattoo. (I don't think she knows how much tatoos cost, but who knows, she might just get one anyway.)

She wrote a song for Kayse and played it for me before I left. I didn't cry, I just sat and listened while my hands and feet just kinda trembled. Her song didn't sugarcoat anything, it was honest, authentic and kind, just like Annalise.
The song was about all the things that happen that we don't and cannot understand. The refrain was something like "add this to the list of the things that we can't understand". Then she followed it with a stanza about having faith anyway.
Damn straight, girl.

She's coming home Wed. night as we had another loss in the family.

My granny Dovie, the sweetest, kindest, lady that ever lived, passed away early Sunday a.m. My Dad was with her. Annalise will be singing at the graveside service, "In the Garden", which was Dovie's favorite hymn.

I'm not much on a classic view of Heaven, I'm not sure what happens after this, but I'm pretty sure it's a whole new adventure and we all take comfort knowing that Granny and Kayse are starting their new adventure together.

In the mean time, we'll just keep pulling together down here, being there for each other, working out the details, softening up a bit under the weight of it all and having faith anyway.

update

The community of Waxahachie, Texas and my family is rallying.

Kaysie's school, she taught 2nd grade, has been bringing diapers and baby stuff by the house, there's a memorial fund already begun at the local bank and when I left Thursday night, the house was brimming with food. The baby is doing fine and she fell asleep in my arms twice. I had to tear myself away Thursday night, but I had to begin the second leg of my trip to Nashville to see Annalise.

Today, the uncles and cousins are on email discussing nannies and aupairs, and what's next. I love how my family comes together and just gets things done. My cousin Sam came back from Iraq so he could stay with his brother for the month of October and help him with the transistion. His wife, Robin, has friends staying with their four kids so she could come and help with baby care for a week. Day by day things are looking less bleak, still sad and dark, with hope lingering.

I drove 7 or so hours yesterday from Texarkana to Nashville. I'm here for parent weekend and to deliver Ace's car to her. I'm exhausted, but happy to be here. (I'll also be flyering for the film screening in Nashville off and on. )

Sad news

This week my family mourns one of our own. My cousin's wife died Monday of an embolism. They are little time bombs in the body, hard to detect, impossible to predict. Nothing could have saved her. She was 33 years old, one of the sweetest gals you'd ever meet, pretty and kind. We'll miss her. She leaves behind her husband, her 4 year old son and a 3 week old daughter.

We're all still in a bit of shock. I know I am. I remember seeing her last Christmas, how she rode Breezy, the cantankerous mare, and stood her ground with that horse, while she had a big smile on her face. She hugged her son often and she put him in front of her on the saddle when she rode Dakota, the docile gelding. She was sweet and she was brave and she loved her family deeply.

There are no answers for something like this. It's tragic and harsh and painful for the rest of us and will be for some time, maybe forever.

All we can do is hang together, help each other through it and remember how precious life is. We can try to truly cherish our family, our friends, even strangers. All of that might help us make sense of this some day.

Time passes swiftly by and opportunity is lost. Let us stive to awaken. Awaken. Take heed, do not squander your life.
(from Evening Gatha)

beginnings

Tomorrow Annalise begins her first day of college.

I still remember her first day of school, I didn't want to leave the kindergarten class and go to work. I was mesmerized by all the kids and the teacher and how much fun they were all going to have with their legos and paints.

When I finally left, the kids surrounded me and gave me hugs and kisses and told me goodbye. I wished I could go to work like that every day, but it was only that one year of kindergarten and a bit of first grade they I got to leave with those hugs. They all got so sophisticated when they turned 6 and a half.

So, here I am with the dogs, the dogs who are oblivious to all the changes, they are in the moment, all the time, those dogs.

It's one of those times when it's all brand new again. A time when the world seems to want me to start everything over, yet again. Like the first day of school, the first day after a big break up, or when you see a brand new baby or a calf or a puppy. Hopeful, yet uncertain about what's next.

The Buddhists might say that every day we wake up a new person in a new world, we just don't realize it. I think we just don't want to think to much about all that passes by us each day. We like to focus on the big changes, the ones with meaning and rituals and large shifts in our thinking.

The difference this time, is, I feel grown up, like I've done something that mattered. I raised someone who is good and kind and smart and passionate about the world. Someone who will make a difference in the world. She'll do good things in this world. She already has. I'm grateful that I was able to do that during my life, my life that feels even more blessed and fortunate than it did a few days ago.

This month and the next I'll be traveling and moving through the world at a steady pace.
There will be trips to Jacksonville, Seattle, Albuquerque, Dallas, New York, and Los Angeles.
There is also work here and to do lists and my list of ideas and things I want to write about and take pictures of.

Guess it's time to start on the laundry while I see what John Stewart thinks of the state of the world. Or maybe its time to pull down Leaves of Grass and get a little crazy with Walt, or maybe even crazier, Ralph Waldo Emerson.

good job

Ace is moved in, she's now a temporary Tennesean.
After four days of adventuring with my daughter and my 'rents. I learned a few things:

1. Being in a minivan with your parents for four days is not a vacation. Don't romanticize, not too much, anyway. It is, after all a minivan, they are your parents, it's four days, you will need some good coffee, a good workout in the mornings and you'll definitely need some time to watch cable tv in the hotel room.
2. When it's time to go, go quickly, don't take your time or drag your feet or dawdle or add on any tasks to extend the goodbye.
   
3. While the goal of being a parent is to raise someone so they can be independent, even when you know they are ready to go and you have complete faith in them, it's hard to go quickly. You will want to drag your feet, dawdle, and extend the last few moments as long as possible. Just do your best to walk away without crying. I made it about 5 feet before I lost it. Luckily, Ace was happily joining her welcome group and I was almost to the parking garage, so I ducked into the stairwell, and climbed a few flights so I could get out of breath a bit and calm down and get a little tired. It was the "you did a good job, Mom" as she hugged me good bye that got me, still I'm glad she said it.

So, now it's time for a good nights sleep. Tomorrow I'll be on the road for about 8 hours or so, in that minivan, the last minivan I hope to spend any time in for a long time.

'bama and tennsee

I'm in Nashville...just back from the Grand Ole Opry. We saw Connie Stevens and Pam Tillis and lots of other country singers but my favorite was Little Jimmy Dickens.
For three days I've been in a minivan traveling with my parents and my daughter. The first day we got to Memphis. We went to Graceland the day after the anniversary of Elvis's death. I love Elvis more than ever now. I'm totally sold on him and his crazy cars and airplanes and his family. I love that he made sure everyone had their own horse and GoKart. How sweet is that?

After leaving Graceland, we headed to Alabama to Birmingham and Childress and Lay Lake
The house my grandparents built is on the lake. They finished it just before my Grandpa's stroke. When I walked in the door, I remembered seeing my Granny in there making breakfast. All over the house, were my Grandpa's books. He loved literature, poet Robert Burns was his favorite, along with Whitman. He also seems to have loved boks about novels, I know he always wanted to write a novel. He only went to a few semesters of college, but passed the CPA exam on his first try. He wasn't one to waste time, he'd wanted to major in Literature, but he was offered a job as a CPA. He traveled all over Europe with my Granny and even visited me when I was in Wales. He was a self taught literary critic and never stopped learning. I brought several of his books home with me.

This a.m. I ran a few miles around the lake, joined by some cute little dogs who acted all tough at first, but were soon licking my heels and wagging their tails and running right next to me. One followed me for two miles before he got tired and went back home and I kinda missed him.

Today we headed to Huntsville to see my cousin and his wife and their brand new baby, who is absolutely beautiful, then we came on into Nashville.

Tomorrow we move Annalise into college. Then go to some parent things and then start back to Texas. I know it sounds weird, but I am oddly enjoying this minivan trip. It's definitely not my usual roadtrip, and maybe that's part of it. We won't do this again, not this trip, not these moments. I love knowing that, too.

I'm feeling better about letting Ace go. She's totally ready. She's an amazing person and I trust her. She's ready to fly and I'm ready to see what she does next.
As for me, I'll do a little flying in the future too. There is much ahead for both of us.

my Dad

My Dad is turning 70 on September 25.

Today I got an email telling me that a man with the last name of Schoolfield was living in Nigeria with his family and they had a bad car accident and everyone died and they left 10 million dollars in a bank in Nigeria. They had to search and search and search to find ME, his only surviving relative.

So, of course I forwarded the email to my Dad to ask him if we had any family in Nigeria and if he wanted to go with me to collect the money. He replied to the email as follows:
RE: e mail of 9/13/2005


Dear Jim Aganatta
Did not know we had anyone in Africa kin to us. Am sorry they had an accident. Please send me details regarding their demise so I can make funeral arrangements for them. We Schoolfield's take care or our own.
Respectfully submitted,
John Schoolfield

I love that my almost 70 year old Dad can still have fun with email.

Good News and my many obligations

My to do list is getting longer and longer...
I know the job duties of a producer now: produce, make it happen, push things up hills, make it happen. As production manager, I'm kind of do the same thing but more so.
I have major bouts of doubt and fear. I love a challenge, I'm totally up to it, but I'm not certain, and I think that will serve me well. Beginner's mind.
of course, there are other duties I'm neglecting: the Mom, the writer, the documentarian, the girlfriend. I did call Dad yesterday, though. )

Very exciting news on the Homeless doc - I'll be interviewing Lionel in his home under the bridge on Tuesday. I can't wait. I love this guy.

In Rescue Me news - it's an official selection of the Dallas Video Festival. Yeah!

sometimes you do things and you do them and you wonder why you do them, then you get one yes and the questions are hushed. It's important to do what you're driven to do. You are the only one who will.


This week, I've got JOB work up to my elbows...
back to my to do list.

Granbury again

The cows were missing. I' d not seen a single cow since I arrived. They were gone. All of them, Snow White, Cinderella, Gertrude, Jesse, White Star, Buffy, all were not where they were supposed to be. This was a job for a horse or a four wheeler. I picked the four wheeler, Dakota and Breezy had too much attitude for such a job.

I grabbed one of my Dad's straw hats and pulled the four wheeler out of the barn, started her up and off I went. I love following the cow trail, you get to go through some nice dips and turns. It's fun. I followed the trail out to the far pasture, not a cow in sight. I moved to the fence line, followed it to the neighboring farm, where those cows looked a bit worried, and uncertain of me on my four wheels. I followed the fence, didn't find a break anywhere. I headed up to the other pasture and did the same thing. The horses started following me, Bubba, the donkey got real close to me, too close, I shooed him off.
Still no cows.
I drove along the entire 40 acres of fence one more time for good measure. No cows.

Later I learned they had jumped two fences in a quest for love. They found a willing and available bull a couple of pastures away. I've never seen a cow jump a fence, I hope I see that some day.

Day 2: Breezy and Dakota

I love horses.
Breezy and Dakota are the fat lazy horses who live with the cows and the donkey at my parent's farm. Breezy is a tall quarterhorse, she runs the pasture, she's in charge of all the hoofed creatures. Dakota is a chubby gelding.
My cousin brought Breezy from Waxahachie one day, unasked for, she was just left there out of the blue when her owner lost his pasture lease. We didn't have tack for her, we knew nothing about her.
We mentioned this to one of our cowboy relatives and he helped us find a bridle and a big saddle for her. This trip was the first time I had a chance to try them out.
Breezy seemed happy to be haltered and brought in, she stepped high, tossed her head and acted proud.
We saddled her, bridled her and I climbed aboard, standing on a feed bucket so I could reach the stirrups.
She did fine, for awhile. She was happy to walk from the barn to the house and back. When I asked her to go to the back pasture, she balked, but we got through it.
In the back pasture, her ears were back, she was pissed, but we moved along. Then, all of a sudden she cut away, made a sharp turn and refused to go where I asked her to go. I turned her head, and she resisted, but eventually headed moved in the right direction, before turning around again. This time when I turned her head, she bucked.

It was a tiny buck, but it was a buck. Damnit.

When a horse does this, you have two options. 1. You can simply get off, tell them they won, and never ride them again. 2. You proceed, you don't give up, you urge them to what you want, consequences be damned.
I considered both options.
I proceeded. I asked Breezy again to go to the back pasture. Ears back, she went, then she bucked some more. I yelled at her, I cussed at her. She stoppped.

Slowly we made it to the back pasture. I won the battle and we turned back toward the house and barn. She was fine with that.
As we neared the house, I turned her for one more lap to the back pasture. She refused. She stood stock still. Then she reared and bucked. Damn her.
I yelled at her, refused to go where she wanted, stood my ground.

I saw that I had an audience. Dakota, the chubby gelding was watching us, whinnying at Breezy, encouraging her. My daughter and niece watched me from the porch, they were telling me to get off the horse.'
I asked Breezy again to turn and go to the back pasture. She reared again, she bucked.
I asked again. She did it again.
But damn it, I won it again.

I knew if I gave in, she'd never allow anyone on her back again. I think having an injury has made me more hardheaded about things, and it's more terrifying to fall than it is to hold on and ride things out. Falling off is riskier.

So, I'm 42 years old. That's really pretty darn young, but sometimes around all the young people that I seem to know, it can feel old. It's good to know that I can still run three miles and ride a bucky horse. It's good to know that it's still a hell of a lot of fun to do both.

on being a 2-day cowgirl...

I needed to get away. Last week, the week before, never a dull moment, never a moment, never a chance to breathe, I slept some, but not enough...
So, I made my trip to pick up Annalise into a mini get away...

I drove down to Ft. Worth Sat. afternoon, stopped at my best friend Maggie's house and she immediately whisked me back in the car. We were off to Hip Pocket Theatre where Maggie, Fred (ex-husband, my good buddy), and Jim were going to play some blues after the opening night of the new show: Mars Needs Women.
Off we went back down I-30 headed West. Occasionally, we heard the sound that had me a bit worried on the drive down, like something was dragging under my car. I had looked u nder the car a few times, everything seemed in right place, but the sound was troubling, and a bit disturbing.
Arrived at Hip Pocket in time to shake down some barbecue beans and ice cold water and exchange greetings with Fort Worth friends old and new.

The play was amazing. Hip Pocket is in the open air, under the stars. It was threatening skies, but it was empty threats, not a bit of a rain drop fell, just the crazy summer wind.
Okay, so they took the really bad early 60's film, Mars Needs Women and made it a fabulously funny play complete with a Mee Maw M.C. and dancing Martians and lots of lip syncing to the movie sound track. Afterwards, Fred, Maggie and Jim played...and they were wonderful. Then Maggie and I headed back to Albertson's for cheap red wine and three ours of girl talk.
Good start to the weekend.

(All this time, my sweetheart, Steve the Great, was at my home, taking care of my four dogs and both of my cats.)

On Sunday late morning, I awoke, made good, strong coffee, picked up Annalise at her Dad's house then headed to the Jazz Cafe to meet Maggie for brunch. It was tasty and Nick the Handsome Greek Man (but we know too much about him to consider him romantically for any of our good girlfriends...) played Saxophone and trumpet and damn he's good.

After brunch, Annalise and I headed west to Granbury for some time with my parents. My grandmother is slowly fading from us with Alzheimer's, I hadn't seen her in months. My parents had stories to tell from their trip down the Panama Canal.

On the way we took a shortcut so we could get off the main road and stop to check on that strange dragging sound we kept hearing...Annalise pegged it right away...it was that sheet of plastic under the front part of the car, it was loose, flapping around, but no hazard. We made our way through a country road, passing, The Little CowHand's for Christ Summer Camp, on the way. (I have nothing against the little cowhand's for christ...I have nothing against cowhands and nothing against Christ, I just think that maybe the Cowhand for Christ Summer Campers might be hearing a little more right wing rhetoric, then they are hearing about Christ, but that's an assumption, and I know how bad assumptions can be.)

We arrived in late afternoon to a field of wild flowers, fields and fields of wildflowers, my parents are returning some of the land to wild flowers and Native Grasses. The log cabin my Grandmother was born in was in good shape, the reconstruction work almost completely finished, and the horses, Dakota and Breezy were running around the pasture acting all crazy, along with Bubba, the sad little donkey. ( I love this donkey, but he's just sad as he can be, like Eyeore, and he's very afraid of people. We don't know his history... he sure does keep the cattle safe.)

And so, my weekend away began...

Dovie Sue

Dovie Sue is my grandmother. She's in the last stages of Alzheimers. In the past months she's gone from someone who could wake up in the morning, walk, enjoy food, know faces, have a
conversation, to someone who is vacant, distant, in pain.

Perhaps she understands more than it seems, perhaps, but I don't think so.

I saw her over Easter.

Her eyes are cloudy, vacant and I can just barely see the woman who used to run her own business, who would always say her boys were perfect and her grandchildren were too, the woman who traveled to Europe and even came with my Grandpa to travel around Wales with me when I was living there as an exchange student. She was a sharp dresser, had a quick wit and a big big heart. For years she ran "Young Togs" a children's store in Sylacauga, Alabama. As they said there, "there wasn't a child buried that didn't have something pretty to wear." It may sound gruesome to donate clothes for funerals, but Dovie felt it was a comfort to their family. She also made sure kids had clothes for school and recitals.

The nurses call her Lovey Dovey. They all say she's their favorite patient as she never has a cross word.

Alzheimer's hasn't made her mean, it's just taken bits of her away, little by little.

into the woods

Tonight was opening night for the school musical Into the Woods. My musical daughter plays "Little Red Riding Hood." I play, proud Mom, awestruck parent, the one who watches the talented kids who sing, act, build sets, manage the stage and play the instruments that makes the stage a world. I play the grateful Mom who sings the praises of the directors who worked long days to make this happen, who put up with a masse of teenagers to help them learn, grow and create.
The show was amazing, and will be so for the rest of this week. I brought 6 friends with me tonight. Tomorrow Ill bring another, Saturday, five or so more.
It's a delight to watch this show, and not just for Moms.

Into the Woods is a great musical.
Annalise is a marvel.

puppies and toyotas

Today, Annalise and I drove to West, Texas to pick up a pretty nice used Toyota Corola, a replacement for the car the guy smashed when he ran a stop sign. It has air bags, a radio, 97K miles and was loveingly cared for by a little old lady...truly, it was, and she chaned the oil ever 3K miles.
We drove back, me in my Honda, her in the Toyota. I watched her toddle along behind me. She got in the left lane and drove under the speed limit, causing a long back up. It was raining, too. After about 7 cars had passed her and things were quiet, I called her...and quickly told her she needed to go the speed limit. She said she was. So, maybe to a little old lady car, 65 is really 60. I just need to tell Annalise to stay out of the left lane.

Someone sent a link to some puppies this week. 5 Pitbulls, purebred. Yee haw, there just aren't enough pitbull puppies. I didn't reply. I just couldn't bring myself to reply without sounding preachy or annoyed. I thought about offering to take all the pups if they got Mom and Dad pitbull fixed, but I wouldn't be willing to take on and rehome 5 puppies. I don't even know if there are 5 more people in Austin who would want a puppy. We are saturated with puppies.

Near Misses

Just returned from emergency room, and happy to say all is well.

Annalise had to say goodbye to her first car, a hulking Olds Cutlass Ciera,
92 model. Today about 5:40 p.m. A man ran a stop sign, sped right through,
hit Annalise's car, spun it a bit, and then came to rest on a corner of the
school lawn. Annalise's car is totaled, but she's just fine, except for a
few bruises. He wasn't hurt, he has insurance, and a license. A witness
told the police the whole story.

Just yesterday I was in another hospital, in Glen Rose Texas, where my Dad
was having tumors removed. They were cancerous and it looks like the Dr.
got every last bit of the bad tissue. We remain hopeful on that.

I drove away from the emergency room feeling exhausted and exceedingly
grateful. The folks in the E.R. were very kind, they were also pretty busy
and people kept coming in. They told me that it was the busiest they've been in weeks or months. I saw all these people being brought in, mostly elderly people, children, with severe flu symptoms.

I told the folks at Trinity Center, the homeless center. about my Dad and they prayed for all of us. They have powerful prayers. Their faith is strong, stronger than mine, I think.

So, dear friends, take extra caution at stop signs and red lights, be
careful out there. Things can change in the blink of an eye.

house of flying dogs I mean daggers

Sometimes, our house seems to have dogs pretty much everywhere...that's okay, there are so many dogs who live with us and three of them are considered "large". Cowgirl, the terrier mixette seems like a toy breed compared to chubby Roy Bean and tall, thin, Keni. We love them all very much, I'm not complaining. Still, when it rains, they are very much "with us".

Tonight my daughter asked if I wanted to go see a movie with her. This is rare. She's 17.,.so I jumped on it and dashed for a look at the web for movie times. We only go to movies at the Alamo or the Dobie because I have a "thing" about people talking or walking around during movies and at most multiplexes, people talk and walk a lot. We decided to see Million Dollar Baby at the Alamo, cause we were also pretty hungry.
I haven't had 2 minutes alone with Ace in ages and there was so much to catch up on, the musical, her love life, how she feels about the Iraqi elections, everything. We got to the theatre 10 minutes before movie time and the show was sold out. As luck would have it, there were plenty of tickets to House of Flying Daggers.

This movie was breathtaking...at first I had a few flashbacks from when I tried Kung Fu and got some knee problems, and from when I tried another martial arts form and never quite mastered the spin kick...but that passed quickly.

Like most great films about wars and old alliances this was a love story. Twists and turns and fast steeds and bamboo forests and aspens and autumn and flying daggers- this is an epic, a beautiful treat of an epic. Go see it on the big screen. Go to the Alamo and enjoy dinner while you watch. Take a teenager with you.

It was a very good week overall...Shot a bit of the new homeless doc. with two wonderful gentlemen. Both of them are artists, both of them are amazing and interesting and have many stories to tell. When I told one of my homeless friends that we were out of lunches he brought back about 8 boxes of terra chip samples givn to him by some guy who was doing a demo down town. He brought box after box after box. That was pretty sweet.
Buckner came over and we recorded the narration track for Rescue Me. He'll start on the final post sound on Monday morning! There are many people who came together and made this project happen. The screening is 2/10/05. We'll be ready.