New York

Tracy and I arrived in NYC today. We've got meetings, lots of meetings. I'm looking forward to them. As everyone know, a big part of filmmaking is meetings.

Last week was one big blur. I was up at 4:30 a.m. and Kat arrived at 5:30 a.m. to pick me up so we could get to the airport.

gruesome, yet true

I almost didn't go into Trinity today. I'm busy, crazy busy, but I went anyway. I hobbled in on my post marathon legs late.

I saw dear sweet K. the dog lover who sends boxes of dog food to a dog named Daisy in Wisconsin. I love that guy, he's a bright spot. He showed me the videos he'd rented for his weekend in a house, dog sitting. He got some great Discovery Channel movies from the libray. T-Bone was there, too, he said he looked for me at the marathon but didn't see me and it was cold. Same was true for several other guys, they had actually looked for me on S. Congress around 11:00.

Then M. came in. I hadn't seen him at Trinity for ages. I'd heard something terrible had happened to him, but no one would tell me what it was, exactly.
I saw him today. He's missing his left hand.

M. has told me he has "mood" problems, he's been in and out of the state hospital. He believes he is unredeemable, that God will not forgive him because when he was a child, M. says, he committed the unpardonable sin, blasphemy.

I remember the unpardonable sin. I was terrifed that perhaps I had committed it and not known what it was, what if I had accidentally said the wrong thing and whoa, there I'd be unpardonable, unforgiveable for life. Then one day, I decided that God must be merciful, or really, what would be the point. It made sense to me when I was a kid, and it still does.

I saw M. today and he told me that he was unredeemable, that God will not forgive him, that he loves God and Jesus, but he is one of the dammned. I told him I disagreed, I told him that wasn't true, but truly, I could have been saying, "pass the salt" he didn't hear me, he couldn't hear me.

How do you get through the day when you believe you are unforgiveable? Well, M.'s left hand was severed when he laid his arm on a railroad track, purposefully, so the train would sever his hand. His hand was full of turmoil, he said.

He was taken to the hospital, then spent two weeks in the state hospital and is now out again, they could only keep him two weeks. He said he really liked being in the psych hospital, except for all the scary crazy people.

Every time I looked at his handless left arm today, I shuddered, I had to leave the room a few times and just take deep breaths. It was horrifying to think about, it was pitiful to see. Worse, was imagining going through the day thinking you are one of the damned, the unforgiven, the unredeemable, the lost.

file under: friends

A marathon is 26.2 Miles...

I didn't know this when I joined the team: A marathon is 26.2 miles.
I trained for 6 months, running during the week, and long runs each Saturday morning. We started with 6 miles, then, 7, 8, 9, then on to 12, 13, on up to 20 miles. They got easier each time.

The day of the marathon was the coldest of the year. The days before had temperatures in the 70s and 80s, and here on marathon morning it was in the 20's and wasn't expected to go over freezing all day. We met up at 5:30 a.m. to drive to the course, a drive of about 10 miles that took over an hour, due to traffic and ice patches. What the heck were we thinking?

We jumped out of cars and walked to the course leaving the line of traffic and allowing our wonderful friends who agreed to drive us there to head home and get ready to cheer us on. Outside it was teeth chattering cold, misty rain and ice patches in the parking lot. Runners are a crazy bunch, thousands and thousands of them showed up anyway.

We learned they delayed the start time by half an hour due to traffic delays and weather. So, team TexFX ambled around in the cold waiting for the start, saying our "good lucks" and hugging each other and Kat/Nevie and I, in our black pants, black hats, and white Tyvek cheapo rain jackets from the Expo pretended we were an urban street gang. (more than one spectator said Nevie and I looked like the Johnny Cash team thanks to our groovy running clothes.)

It was cold, we were eager to run. When the gun finally went off, we started at a nice easy pace, warmed up and by mile 6 were feeling great. I ran with teammates, Nevie, Kat and Kristina and we kept a great steady pace together.

Annalise and Steve met me at Mile 7 with a full water bottle. I gave my jacket and gloves to Steve as I was all warmed up, but I was soon wishing I had them back as the temperatures dropped and the wind picked up. I picked up a discarded glove and wore that until I saw them again and Ace gave me the gloves she was now wearing at mile 12. At each mile, we had spectators cheering us on, it helped immensely, but not as much as seeing my daughter holding a sign that said, "Go Mom!"

Miles 13-15 were a bit of a blur, as we ran past the train tracks and through a business park. Things got interesting again at mile 17 as I ran past the road to Annalise's school and through the Hyde Park neighborhood. We had a big crew of cheerers at Quacks bakery near mile 18. They cheered us on and again, Steve and Annalise and now Leslie, were there with fresh water and gel packs. Teammate Kristina slowed at this point, Nevie and I forged on ahead to Mile 19 which went quickly, unlike Mile 20, which seemed to go on forever. We knew that up ahead was the hill up to the state capital at Mile 21.

When we hit the hill, we ran up it, did a jog around the capital and came out at Mile 22, at the top of Congress Avenue. We had more supporters here and they and the spectators reminded us that we only had 5 miles to go. We ran down the capital and Steve and Annalise ran toward me with another fresh bottle of water, much needed and appreciated. (There were water stations along the route, but I tend to toss more water on my face when I use the little water cups, I haven't mastered the water cup, yet.)

At Mile 23, with three miles to go, I was getting tired. I saw my cousin Mason step out of the crowd and he ran with me a few feet, encouraging me and cheering me on. The joy of seeing Mile 23 and the pep talk from Mason was needed, as the path to Mile 24, was uphill and it seemed like I'd never reach Mile 24. But, I did, and it was a good thing, cause from then on it was 2 miles, mostly downhill with a series of spectators who cheered me on at every moment. I started tearing up when I saw the marker for Mile 25, only 1.2 miles to go!

I was close, and I was tired, so I started meditating on the mantra I borrowed from Robin, my cousin in law, "stay strong". That got my pace steady again and I knew I wouldn't stop or slow for anything. Mason was waiting for me again, as Mile 23 - 25 were on different sides of the same stretch of road. He told me all kinds of encouraging things, and I tossed my water belt at him and told me to meet me at the finish line. He said he'd see me there.

One last turn and Mile 26 was in sight. I was just about to break down in sobs, especially when I saw a group of friends near the mile marker, yelling me on. I passed Mile 26 and saw the finish line ahead. As I ran the last 2/10 mile, all the people along the way were offering their hands out to me and telling me how great all this was and I started crying for real. Then I saw the faces of Steve and Annalise and my coach, Gary and I was in full sob.

Someone put a medal on my neck and someone else took off my timer chip and then Steve appeared across the fence with a bouquet of pink roses. (He brought roses for Kat, Nevie, Kristina and I.) I saw Kat and Nevie waiting for me and we all hugged and cried.

I finished in just over 5 hours, start time, not sure what my chip time finish will be. My body started complaining as soon as I crossed the line, and now after food, a massage and a hot bath, I think the fish soup Steve is cooking up will have me in good shape very soon.

Our team raised over $8,000 for the children's shelter. Thanks to all of you who contributed to that effort. We'll get to go and take pictures with the kids next week.

I'm still not sure what compelled me to take this on, I guess I just wanted to see if my 40 year old, damaged body could do it or not. It could, somehow, it just could.

Will I do it again? I don't know.
Am I glad I did it? Absolutely.

Stay Strong.

file under: running

Marathon

I did it!

file under: running

Cuz

My favorite cousin came in town last night. Cousin Sam lives in NC wiht his wife and four kids. He's great, a bright, happy, smart marine pilot.

Sam and my other cousin Mason and his wife and my brother and Steve and I were up to way past midnight telling stories and catching up.

I've got a great family.

file under: life in general

brrrrrr

A blue norther blue in last night in time for tomorrow's marathon. We ran our last two training miles this a.m. It was cold. Thanks to my new Tyvek jacket ($7), I was pretty warm after about 5 mintues. I bought the jacket at hte running expo. It's supposed to keep me warm and dry and I think it probably will!

After blueberry pancakes, I headed home for a hot shower and our press conference with the mayor of Austin, Will Wynn. Will Wynn is an amazing mayor, Austin is lucky to have him.

I'm home again for a bit, then it's Kat's shower, then the pasta dinner, then it's sleep.

file under: running

Spreading her wings

On Monday, Annalise received her acceptance letter to Belmont University in Nashville, Tennessee. She was not only accepted into the university, she was accepted into their music program as a voice major. They have a great program and it's competitive. She got a big envelope, full of forms and notes about student orientations and housing on campus.

I knew she would probably get in. I wanted her to get in, it's the right place for her, it's just so damn far away. Still, we're so close, she'll need to move away to spread her wings

When I went off to college, I would have gone around the world if I could have. I had to settle on Wichita Falls, Texas, it was the farthest I could go on our tiny budget. I had a scholarship and I worked a series of part-time jobs and, for all that, I was in Wichita Falls. I left after two years and set myself up in Denton, Texas. After about a year, I found an exchange program and was off to Wales, U.K. for a year. That year saved me in many ways.

It's no big surprise that my own daughter is setting her sites on a school hundreds of miles away. Not a surprise at all. She's been telling me she was going to move to Nashville to be a singer since she was about 2 years old.

In about 6 months, she'll move to Nashville.
The end of an chapter, the beginning of a chapter. We'll both be in for something new next year. This is all what is supposed to happen, still it feels a bit too soon, somehow.

file under: life of a mom

Heart Month Part 5

Give your favorite real world love advice.

elwees: Get ready...when it's over, it can be more painful than you ever imagined.
S_lee: If the person you're involved with was the same sex (or hideously ugly, take your choice) would you still want to hang out with them as a friend? If not, then you should think about this.
Timmy: Relationships are very hard work. Try to give more than your share every day and it will come back to you ten-fold.
Mags: Don’t correct his grammar in public.
johnny boy: I try to avoid real world advice on such matters...
me: they are all "the one"


file under: friends

Heart Month Part 4

Give your favorite “rote” love advice.

• elwees:"Love me tender, love me true."
• S_lee: Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!
• Timmy: If it’s meant to be, it will work out.
• Mags: Be honest. Be in the moment.
• johnny boy:"Never run for a bus, there will always be another..." – Mel Brooks as the two thousand year old man
• me: Make a list of qualities, think about who you're looking for them, write down what's most imporant and hide your list away.
  

file under: friends

Heart Month Part 3

If you could add a saying to one of the candy conversation hearts, what
would it be?

• elwees: go away.
• S_lee: A real heart is neither quite so pink nor symmetrical.
• Timmy: Ever seen one of these?
• Mags: Eat me.
• johnny boy: the end is near. eat up.
• me: I've been lookin for you!
  

file under: friends

Heart Month Part 2

More about hearts....
2. How do you mend a broken heart?

• elwees: I don't think you ever really do. A few cracks linger.
• S_lee: My mom always had a good take on that, she used to say a broken heart was like a physical wound and just took time to heal. Just like a deep cut that required stitches, it'll heal up eventually although probablywith a scar. You can do anything you want to pass the time while it heals but time is the thing. (It also helps not to obsess too much, I think.)
• Timmy: How do you stop the rain from falling down? (Bee-Gees)
• Mags: You say, “Hey! If I loved you once, you must be worthy. Let’s re-adjust our world view and see what happens.” Or “I made a mistake. Let’s sweep up here.
• johnny boy: drugs, alcohol, music, and time. Parsley and sage-not so much.
  

file under: friends

Heart Month Part 1

I asked some of my dearest, bestest friends about love, here's part 1:

1. Who was the first person who broke your heart? How old were you?

• elwees: George - age 10
• Slee: was actually pretty old before I experienced .... true heartbreak. The good thing is that despite the pain I immediately saw it for what it was and realized that we really didn't belong together anyway.
  
• Timmy: Can’t remember her name, but she was from Oxnard, CA and had a glass eye…...(no kidding) 15.
• Mags: When I was 12, my friend Harriet took up with my boyfriend. I had no idea such betrayals and reversals were even possible. I’d say Harriet; I don’t remember the boy’s name.
• JA: Cathy 6th grade. She not only broke my heart. She kicked me in the shins and made me cry. Although at the time, I insisted it just made my eyes water.
• Me: I don't want to say his name, he knows who he is and I was 19 or so and didn't see it coming. The feeling of a broken heart is as intense as first love and for that reason it was all a bit confusing, painful of course, yet also very much like a rite of passage.
  
  

file under: friends

Bush Explains Medicare Drug Bill

Thanks to my friend John for sending this...I hope it helps shed a little light on the new medicare bill:

Verbatim Quote from Woman in Audience

"I don't really understand. How is the new plan going to fix the problem?"

Verbatim response from President Bush:

Because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculated, for example, is on the table. Whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be-- or closer delivered to that has been promised.

Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate -- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, supposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red.

file under: life in general

downtown...

I'm committed to my Wednesdays with the homeless. I'm so damn busy right now, I've got paying work and nonpaying work barking at my heels, I've got a messy house and dogs that need walks and laundry...but I need this, too.

I guess the best form of therapy is being needed, feeling one's place in the world, solidly and surely. Does that mean playing 4 games of Pente while someone tells you their life history? Does that mean having someone holler a hello across the room? Sometimes, it does.
it's the minutiae of life, those little beads of moments, strung together, into something more than they are alone. Today I didn't feel needed as much as I just felt like I was with friends.

Of course, I had to tell everyone I ran 20 miles and they were pretty impressed. My friend D. struggles to stay sober. I told him I thought of him when I ran 20 miles last week. What he's doing is like a marathon, only worse.

I saw F. who doesn't speak too much, he's quiet and keeps to himself. When he tells you Hi, you know he likes you. I had just sat down to game number 1 of pente, when I saw the police cars pull up outside. F had just come in for a cup of coffee, and taken it outside to enjoy with a cigarette. (There are laws against that...you can't stand outside in Austin, or sit outside, without getting a ticket. One guy I know thinks it's an attempt to make the homeless "pay the rich." It's really just a way to make the homeless disappear from downtown.)
When I saw the cops, talking to F. I got mad. I assumed they were going to ticket him.
For someone who believes the government implanted a chip in his brain, F. does pretty damn well in the world. He doesn't cause trouble. He doesn't have friends. He collects papers and he loves numbers and his head is full of facts that he has knitted together like a frayed old sock.
He'd seen the police car's license plate and thought the numbers were the same as someone's birthday who he knew in the Navy who had been responsible for wrecking a ship and all this was somehow related to the Kennedy family and terrorism.
The cops had him cuffed. Frank launched into a tirade. I sent the center director over to talk to them and she convinced them he was harmless. They sent him off with a warning.

When F. came back in he told me what had happened and that the cop car was part of the plot, the chip in his head, the Kennedy's, the terrorism, all of it. F. has no family. He was put into foster care at age 3, so he told me on a good day. He's been in and out of mental hospitals. Funds are tight. He survives. I offered him popcorn and lemonade and he sat down with the rest of us and we had a nice discussion about what we do when the world goes crazy around us.

file under: friends