Monday

Feeling good. Lots of things happening that are fun and interesting in the film world and otherwise. Let's just say that October has been very good and November looks even better.

There's a point each fall in Texas when the weather changes, just enough of a shift so it feels different. We used to call it football weather, but what we meant was that things just felt different, a new season was coming in. That's how I can best describe what's going on in my life, too. I feel light of foot, happy and right on track. Let me just say that giving up on the impossible gives one a lot of new energy bringing some new inspirations and some new friends.

baby sittin and blowing bubbles

I'm back in Waxahachie.

When I arrive from Austin, they treat me like a visitor from another country. They are very happy to see me. They need a break. They need time to watch TV, sleep, check out a bit.

I get to help out, which feels good. I also get to know the kids better, have a baby fall asleep in my arms, see some of her first smiles, it's really much more fun than a lot of things I might do on a Sunday night. Except for the drive, it's pretty fun.

They live far from town, so I get to see the stars come out. I'm friends with the farm dogs and cats and I get to visit with the horses.

It was pitch black by 6 p.m. tonight, but, right after dinner little Lane and I stepped out on the back porch to blow bubbles. He had on his p.j.'s and some cowboy boots. I sure wish I'd had my camera with me. It was cool out with a soft breeze, perfect bubble blowing weather.

Little Jessie was exhausted, overtired. She finally went to sleep. She'll be up again in a few hours and I'll be ready for duty!

scramblin over rocks

A good weekend.

On Saturday, I ran the "Toughest Race in Texas". I think they are exaggerating a bit, but it is a tough course through trails, up and down hills, through rocky patches and sand. I had a nice, steady pace and came in 11th in my age group, which was kind of nice. Mostly though, it was just a great way to start the day. I felt confident and grounded all day, I'd made it up and down a lot of hills and remained upright and for me, that was a first. Not a skinned knee or elbow, not even a slight ankle twist.

Other people weren't so lucky. One woman did twist her ankle, her boyfriend stayed by her side the entire race and carried her piggyback across the finish line. Actually, I think she's extremely lucky. I'd marry a man that did that for me.

Saturday we also signed off on the final color correction. That was a milestone.

Next week, Kat and I head to NYC where we'll get to watch the NYC marathon and I hope to see the Klempt exhibit and poke my head into the MOMA. Then we head to LA for a screening and lots of meetings. Then I'm off to DC for the NIH, NIMH screening. It will be a long couple of weeks, but I'm up for it. My housesitter is an Americorp volunteer at the shelter and loves animals. My cats love her.

After the color correction meeting, there were lots of parties to go to, but I didn't want to go to any of them. I don't do Halloween parties much, I don't like the pressure, I guess. Kat and I were going to go see a movie, but instead we went to dinner where we got to kick back and talk about things besides the film. That is rare and it was wonderful. We also ran into several friends I love it when that happens.

Back to the race...it reminded me of how much can change in a year...last year when Kat and Nevie ran it, I didn't even think about signing up. I was still pretty slow, I wasn't confident, I was falling down a lot. A year of running changed all that. I felt great dashing down hills and scrambling up the rocks. It felt great just to be able to spend a beautiful morning running through the woods.

critical mass

I've been emailing critics lately. Asking them to screenings, asking them to please come see the film in NY or LA or DC. I've asked them to watch the film in the comfort of their own home, too. Some are taking me up on it. I've also been emailing distributors and friends, finishing the biz plan for Roadside Texas, working on a play, and taking photos for a Trinity Center spread.

I ran 4.5 miles last night. Last night, on the last stage of the trail, I had a temporary running partner, a guy who was running pretty fast, trying to pass me, I think so I moved over and still, there he was, guess I was just to speedy for him. I like to jump over curbs and little patches of rough terrain, I like to speed up a bit at the end, too, to see if I can do it. When I finished my run, I was surprised to find I'd run about a minute/mile faster than I usually do.

David Lowery did an interview of Kat and I for Green Cine. I love that kid, he's a smart cookie (as my Grandmother would say) and he's nice, too. He's also an excellent writer and filmmaker and he's not even nearly 30 yet, he gets things done.
I'll post a link when the interview is posted.

birthdays

Today is my birthday and I better write this quickly as it's almost tomorrow.

I wanted something different this year, it's a different kind of year. I've never been one to want to dress up and go out and have people make a fuss over me. I just feel a bit embarrassed when that happens. I wanted to just have some people over in the morning, drink coffee, eat bagels and strawberries and talk. I wanted to see people that I rarely get to see around a table and rarely get any time to talk with about things besides screening schedules and email updates and blah blah blah.

I got my wish.

Kat arrived early, that's her way and I love that she's like that. She cut up strawberries and I went to pick up bagels and coffee. Back at the house, we sat and drank coffee and she had an o.j. and people began to drift in and join us. We had a nice group for brunch. Ryan, Meredith, Tandy, Nevie, Mike and Lori and their kids, James and Dennis, Tracy, Gerald. Nice Sunday morning group. Aralyn drove up in her pig car, and that was quite a hit with the guests and the neighbors.

Tracy stayed to help me clean up God Bless her.

This afternoon I headed to Waxahachie for baby duty. The family is taking turns staying with my cousin and his kids while they struggle to get their lives back to normal, if that is even possible. Tonight was the only night they needed me and I was happy to do it. My aunt and uncle came over and I cooked dinner, simple pasta and chicken and salad and broccoli (which no one ate, of course) and we had cupcakes from the Czech bakery.

I just fed baby Jessica a 4 oz bottle and she stayed awake as long as she could, talking to me in her little baby sounds that I repeat back to her. It feels like we're telling each other something incredibly important. She's asleep now and I'll get up in about 4 hours and we'll do the bottle and talk again.

The family is holding together.

I do think it's okay to question God on these matters. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect God to be a micromanager. I don't think God mulls over each one of our lives down to the moments and days, tossing in a few traumas mixed with a few blessings so that somehow, in the end, it all balances out. My God is more "big picture".

We just have to deal with occasional unexplainable trauma and devestation. In between, and mixed up with, this trauma and devestation, there is unexplainable kindness, beauty and compassion. Maybe that is where God is.

It's been a good year. There were some tough moments, some losses, some things I had to do that were hard, but overall, I'm feeling pretty darn lucky. I have my first feature film credit as a producer, a daughter who is amazing and loving college (and who sat in the second row for the Dolly Parton rehearsal, right next to Deanna Carter), a bunch of good friends and family, three fine dogs, two fine cats, my health, and thanks to the Storie Girls, a gift certificate to go horseback riding!

Off to bed and on to the next year...

Dolly Parton and Annalise

Dolly invited 200 Belmont students to her rehearsal tonight at the Belmont version of the Frank Erwin center. Annalise is one of the 200!

Every time

Every time I think the world is just too much, something happens to prove that some kind of crazy hope links all of us.

Like today, at Trinity, I saw some friends and we had birthday cake for October birthdays. We called it Rocktober just to be stupid.

Someone who always seems so together asked that we all pray for him. This surprised me, I think I always seem together too, but the truth is that none of are "so together" and we all need the prayers...

Little J. wasn't there and I was determined to give him the bag I'd found for him. We all worry about him and K. stepped up, said Little J. lives in his "neighborhood", you know the woods of Central Austin. He offered to take it to him, he worries about him, too.

Then today, in the midst of feeling like a complete heel doing stuff that just seems to be lingering, and needing done, and in the process, yet not meaning to, coming off cold and distant, just keeping the upper lip stiff and all that...I got a phone call...

My daughter told me that she and the other 5 kids in the Young Democrats at Belmont are going to volunteer on the phone bank for the Democratic candidate for Governor of Tennessee. When that kid was a baby I strapped her into a little baby pack and we walked the blocks for Ann Richards and even, sigh, Dukakis.


Oh, Patron Saint of Lost Causes, God Bless you for giving us hope when things just seem futile and blocked.

Keep the hope, friends.

Huzzah

My favorite cousin Sam has been in Texas for family emergency duty. The Marines let him leave his post in Afghanistan, he's a fighter pilot, and a damn good one, too. We're cut from the same cloth, Sam and I, except for my fear of heights, that is... In our family, we're the rebels, which only means that we do our own thing, we take risks without realizing we're being risky and we're independent without realizing we're more so than most people.

Sam is in great shape. He suggested a 10 mile "bonding" run around Town Lake on Sat. morning. I said, "sure." It's longer than I've run since the marathon. I'm usually a 7 miler on Saturdays. We started out faster than my usual pace. We hit 7 miles and I'd peeled 8 minutes off my usual time. At 8 miles, Sam asked, "how far are we?" "2 miles to go!" "I'd like to walk the last one." "that's cool." We ran to the Stevie Ray Vaughn statue and then walked the last mile in. I guess I can offically keep up with the marines. We did have a nice bonding run and I'm pretty sure I could have kept running that last mile...

In other news;
Nashville screening went great!
Houston screening went great!

Moving forward, yes we are. Huzzah! as they say in the Marines...at least I think that's what they say...

Dovie Sue Williams Schoolfield

The family gathered Thursday and said "goodbye for now" to the woman who held the heart and soul of our family.

In with the sadness was the absolute gratefulness that we got to know her and have her in our family as long as we did, 88 years.

As my cousin Anna said, "she could make a bed in a minute flat and loved to dance to 40's music in the living room." As my brother said, "she made everyone feel like they were the most important person in the room." As my cousin Nate said, "she taught me everything I needed to know about God by how she lived her life."

After a simple service, Annalise sang Granny's favorite hymn, "In the Garden", giving it a bit of a country feel, then we all went back to my parent's house, which is on the same patch of land as the log cabin my Grandmother was born in, to have dinner and tell stories and be together. We also got to ride the very tired, very fat, very patient farm horse, Dakota, and many of us got stickers and burrs all over our clothes when we walked out in the pasture that evening to watch the stars come out.

Wednesday

After being told I didn't need to come in to Trinity Center on the Wednesday smack in the middle of a week of unexpected deaths, I knew that's exactly where I needed to be, with my friends. It just took me awhile to get there.

Everyone called me and emailed me this morning. Some mornings are just like this. There was an interview with the Vanderbilt "Hustler", lots of phone calls re: screenings. I also had writing to do and coffee to make lots of nervous energy, which meant I also had to run a few miles to relax and breathe. If I don't run these days, I feel uncentered and unfocused and my mind wanders and I cry, a lot. So, after answering a few emails and phone calls, I ran my 4 miles and as soon as I got home, and was doing my stretching sequence, my little neighbor Ian pokes his head over the fence and starts talking.
"Hi Stacy"
"Hi Ian"
Then he tells me about the school he goes to,which is totally a made up school because he's only 4 and stays home all day. His Mom jokes with him, "are you making stuff up again?" He looked embarrassed.
I told him, "I make stuff up all the time, it's really fun, isn't it?"
He asked, "What do you make up?"
I said, "stories and adventures and often I romanticize my life, do you ever do that? You know, make things seem better than they really are?"
He says, "yeah, sometimes, I do."
I told him to keep up the good work, then dashed inside to get ready to go.

At Trinity, things were crazy. I was immediately greeted with a loud table of guys yelling at me for being late, again. I sat down with them and they commented that I'm looking kind of thin. Am I eating enough? Am I running too much? What's going on? They gave me lots of hugs and good wishes.

Then Little J. shows up and wants to show me his new National Geographic magazines. I noticed T-Bone wandering around in pants that are at least a foot too short. He just smiled and told me that highwater pants were perfectly in fashion for rainstorms. Pretty much everyone at Trinity looked a bit damp today, as most of them sleep outside.

I've been clearing out the house lately, boxing up books and CDs and things I don't want in my house anymore, for reasons having to do with disappointing promises, and I brought a big stack of books and handed them all to K, who is an avid reader and who loves to discuss what he reads. I also brought a bag of safety razors, and put L. in charge of passing them out.

As the day went on, 2:00 came and went and people were still in the center finishing up their business. Little J was carefully repacking his large canvas bag, a bag so worn and threadbare that it is barely holding together. He has lots of stuff, little packets that me makes and puts into plastic grocery bags and carefully stuffs into his large bag. This took him about an hour. I made a note to find him a new bag as soon as possible.

Little J and T-Bone walked me to my car, T-Bone wanted to look through the two bags of ladies clothes in my trunk to see if there were some jeans that might fit him. Little J just wanted to chat.
TBone found some jeans and Little J. picked out a brown sweater dress I used to wear to work when I worked in an office years ago. He put it on over his sweater and rolled it up at the bottom. He looked pretty dapper in it,like he was an Austrian hiker or something. He picked up his worn canvas bag and headed off down the street while TBone tried, unsuccessfully, to talk me into a ride to North Austin.

I didn't get home until almost 5, as I ran into Zebra as I left Whole Foods and her hip was out and she needed a ride to her camp. On the way there we caught up on things and she gave me her special Monkey God necklace which is supposed to protect me. Zebra is a homeless artist who specializes in monkeys. She'll be in the Art From the Streets Exhibit in November and recently let me interview her and her boyfriend, also a fine artist,at their camp.

When I did get home, it was time to pick up Ace from the airport, then head to Zen for dinner and to catch her up with Kat and Tracy. When we got home, after the dogs gushed over her being home, we watched Project Runway, and got caught up on our latest crushes.

I fell into bed after 1:00 a.m. I had much to do to get ready for Thursday and the funeral.

my girl's music

Back from Nashville last night. A long, good, trip.
I drove to Texarkana from Waxahachie, Wed. night, then on to Nashville on Thursday. I learned a lot from the marathon, probably the best thing I learned was how to break long things up into little chunks. Instead of 2 mile chunks, I thought of the trip in 2 hour chunks. There are lots of long, 2 hour chunks in a car with no tape player or CD player. I did talk to myself a lot, I cried a little, too, good remnants from the day before, and I downloaded a few pod casts. Still, anyone who has seen Annalise's car knows about the bumper stickers and driving through the south with a "Draft the SUV Drivers First" sticker can be a little daunting.

I had a great time with my girl. She's so wonderful, and I'm not just saying that cause I'm her Mom. I 'm seeing her explore who she is, and be challenged and change in little and big ways. She told me that academically, emotionally, socially, spiritually, on so many levels, she's growing. I can see it. She also told me that she might come home at Christmas break with a tattoo. (I don't think she knows how much tatoos cost, but who knows, she might just get one anyway.)

She wrote a song for Kayse and played it for me before I left. I didn't cry, I just sat and listened while my hands and feet just kinda trembled. Her song didn't sugarcoat anything, it was honest, authentic and kind, just like Annalise.
The song was about all the things that happen that we don't and cannot understand. The refrain was something like "add this to the list of the things that we can't understand". Then she followed it with a stanza about having faith anyway.
Damn straight, girl.

She's coming home Wed. night as we had another loss in the family.

My granny Dovie, the sweetest, kindest, lady that ever lived, passed away early Sunday a.m. My Dad was with her. Annalise will be singing at the graveside service, "In the Garden", which was Dovie's favorite hymn.

I'm not much on a classic view of Heaven, I'm not sure what happens after this, but I'm pretty sure it's a whole new adventure and we all take comfort knowing that Granny and Kayse are starting their new adventure together.

In the mean time, we'll just keep pulling together down here, being there for each other, working out the details, softening up a bit under the weight of it all and having faith anyway.

update

The community of Waxahachie, Texas and my family is rallying.

Kaysie's school, she taught 2nd grade, has been bringing diapers and baby stuff by the house, there's a memorial fund already begun at the local bank and when I left Thursday night, the house was brimming with food. The baby is doing fine and she fell asleep in my arms twice. I had to tear myself away Thursday night, but I had to begin the second leg of my trip to Nashville to see Annalise.

Today, the uncles and cousins are on email discussing nannies and aupairs, and what's next. I love how my family comes together and just gets things done. My cousin Sam came back from Iraq so he could stay with his brother for the month of October and help him with the transistion. His wife, Robin, has friends staying with their four kids so she could come and help with baby care for a week. Day by day things are looking less bleak, still sad and dark, with hope lingering.

I drove 7 or so hours yesterday from Texarkana to Nashville. I'm here for parent weekend and to deliver Ace's car to her. I'm exhausted, but happy to be here. (I'll also be flyering for the film screening in Nashville off and on. )

Sad news

This week my family mourns one of our own. My cousin's wife died Monday of an embolism. They are little time bombs in the body, hard to detect, impossible to predict. Nothing could have saved her. She was 33 years old, one of the sweetest gals you'd ever meet, pretty and kind. We'll miss her. She leaves behind her husband, her 4 year old son and a 3 week old daughter.

We're all still in a bit of shock. I know I am. I remember seeing her last Christmas, how she rode Breezy, the cantankerous mare, and stood her ground with that horse, while she had a big smile on her face. She hugged her son often and she put him in front of her on the saddle when she rode Dakota, the docile gelding. She was sweet and she was brave and she loved her family deeply.

There are no answers for something like this. It's tragic and harsh and painful for the rest of us and will be for some time, maybe forever.

All we can do is hang together, help each other through it and remember how precious life is. We can try to truly cherish our family, our friends, even strangers. All of that might help us make sense of this some day.

Time passes swiftly by and opportunity is lost. Let us stive to awaken. Awaken. Take heed, do not squander your life.
(from Evening Gatha)

Austin

The austin screening renewed me a bit.

I have to admit, I've been getting a little, well, exhausted maybe. The work has been constant and tedious and in my house with a computer. It's been emails and phone calls and followup. It's not that I crave glamour, but sometimes, I need a little interaction, a little feedback that we're headed in the right direction, and moving along, all that.

Austin, I love you.

• We sold out the screening, people were turned away.
• The audience was responsive and wonderful.
• The panel was amazing, they interacted with the audience, there was a nice listen and respond going on, they involved our young actors, too.
• The projection, the projection was ClassA Tip Tip.
  
• I cannot say enough good things about the Alamo Drafthouse south, but they are tied with Darrel in Seattle for the beauty of the projection and clarity of sound. It looked gorgeous.

I think I used the word jubilant twice tonight.
I felt it at least a dozen times.

wedding and friends

Last weekend I was in fort worth for the wedding of my high school friend, Katherine. In high school, Katherine was the majorette. Brave girl, she twirled batons of fire!

My friend Lori was the heartbreaker, the boys loved her. She had excellent fashion sense, which is saying quite a lot for someone who came of age in the 80's.

I was in drill team, and in theatre and sort of juggled my way between various "groups". You could do that in small towns, no one really got stuck in a crowd for long. It did seem that people focused more on the fact that I was on the drill team, the Keller Indianettes, and that we were known for routines with over 100 high kicks that would send our little white boots flying across the football field at half time, than that I went to state prose reading. That's just Texas.

Kathy, Lori and I were like the three musketeers, we hung out every weekend, talked on the phone till all hours, passed notes, the usual stuff.

We also took ourselves and our friends out to Crazy Man's bridge and scared ourselves silly. Crazy Man's bridge was out in the middle of a field, it was hard to get to, and, of course very dangerous. The myth involved a bridge, a tractor, a young couple and a crazy old man and his wife. We'd drive out to the bridge until we saw or heard just about anything, headlights, a car horn, something in the bushes, a tree shaking in the wind, and we'd high tail it out of there as fast as we could.

That was how we went crazy in Keller, Texas back then. That and hanging out at the creek sipping from the occasional Tequila bottle someone got from their parent's stash. We had tequila with the worm in the bottom of the bottle, no one drank much,
at least the girls didn't drink much. Some of the guys tipped cows. Some of the crazier boys did chicken races and at least in my time there, no one got hurt.

Of our threesome, I was first to get married and had a baby super young. Lorie was married for many years before she had her first child, about the time my daughter was about to start high school. Katherine met her husband about a year ago and decided it was time to take the plunge. (I should clarify that I plunged in and swam back out and haven't plunged since, not that I won't, I just haven't.)


The wedding was like most weddings, it was beautiful, there were wonderful flowers and excellent cakes. Most of us looked puzzled when the preacher read about women submitting to the their husband, but, to each their own, I guess. (Maybe he read the wrong page?)

Best of all, I got to see my old friend, Steve and his partner, Ted. Steve was part of our gang, too. He was like family. He was the guy who'd go anywhere with us, who really listened to us, and who took part in some of our best adventures. He helped me release a bunch of dogs from the dog pound truck at the Keller Fair one year. He also led the group who rescued a friend's clothes from her house when her parents went crazy and refused to let her in the house or let her come and pick up her stuff. We waited until the crazy parents were out one night, then we waited until it was pitch dark and we broke in and got all her stuff before they got home. Exciting times!


Old friends remind you that you've always had someone there beside you, pushing you along, leading you into adventures and sharing some crazy times with you. It's pretty wonderful that seeing them again after many years, you can just pick up where you left off, feel that feeling of trust you had for them back when you braved Crazy Mans bridge and the comfort that gave you after your first broken heart.

Friends are the best thing in the world.