Bon jour from Amboise

Bon jour,
I'm currently at a cybercafe in Amboise, France. We're in the Loire valley area, ambling our way south. I'm doing just fine with the car. It is a standard transmission, and it's quite fun to drive.
In Normandy, our hosts were British and WWII scholars. We heard some amazing stories, saw some historic sites that aren't in the books.
I've seen my first Chateau and I have to say, I think it's plenty, but I will see one more tomorrow. I'm quite excited about seeing the caves on Friday and right now, I'm really hankering to be in Paris.
So far, all is very very well and the French are incredibly kind.
Au revoir

time to fly

I'm packing. I'm using a list. I'm ready for the adventure.

I'm hungry. We're completely out of food except for cereal and some Popsicles and I really don't want to go to the grocery store. I'm in travelin mode.

I'm mostly prepared, I have all the things I need, reservations and some maps and some idea of where I want to go. I can imagine what I will see, who I'll meet. I'm sure there will be some craziness picking up the car, and certainly with the driving of the car.

When I moved back to Texas after a year in Wales, I promised myself I would go back to Europe every single year. This was the best I could do and that's just fine. I've had other adventures closer to home.

I think the best decision are made in a blink, before you can think about why you shouldn't or why you can't. Sometimes you just have to go, or as my friend Jim Taylor says, the answer is always "yes".

William Edward Williams also known as "Uncle Ed"

My Dad sent me all the information I need to find the grave of my Great Uncle William on the D-Day beach. I never knew him, but I read the letters he wrote home.
Here's what I know about him:
He was a farmer.
He loved being outside and he loved working on the farm.
He also loved a gal who lived a few pastures over but not enough to marry her, not yet.
The first time he left Texas it was to go to basic training, become a medic and serve in World War II.
He was awarded a Silver Star and a Purple Heart.
My grandmother told stories about him coming home and sleeping on the porch so he could smell the outside air, that was in peach season. The air must have smelled like peaches.

At the cemetery, I'm to report to the front desk and a uniformed guard will escort me to William's cross. I hope they let me bring some flowers.

overheard in aisle 3

There's nothing like going to the grocery store to make a girl feel happily 'single and dating'

I hear more couples complaining to each other in stores, arguing about silly things, making faces at each other...what is up with that? Not only does it bring back memories of a certain visit to Lowes one holiday season, it just makes me wonder why and how people can talk so rudely to the person they supposedly love more than any one on the planet. What can be so aggravating to make someone publicly redress their beloved? And if one is that aggravated, perhaps one should maybe spend a little alone time slaying a few of their own demons..just a thought...

On aisle three at Randalls:

"what is wrong with you?"
"I said...I...don't...feel...like...cooking."
"yeah, I got that idea...."
"what is that supposed to mean?"
"you've been very clear, very very clear."
"sooo...."
"I get it, okay?"

and on aisle five:

"I am not complaining..I'm not mad."
(silence)
"I am not mad"
"good"
"You are impossible!"
(silence)
"Fine, get the friggin spinach, and let's go already."
(silence)
"What?"

Here's a tip: When it gets this bad, just go out to dinner somewhere, drink a glass of wine and pretend you're in Paris. If you're broke, you can buy some strawberries, bread, cheese and wine and have a lovely dinner for under $12. (cheap wine, okay?, or sparkling water, or beer in a bottle will work, too.) Just don't bitch at each other in the local Randalls.

I actually saw a guy push his "girlfriend" with the cart on another occasion in a totally different store in a totally different part of town. Seriously he pushed at her with it, like "let's go, dammit."

So, yeah, I think having a little time in Europe will be good for this girl. I hope to see lots of couples stealing kisses and holding hands and excited by each other. Already, I'm getting lovely messages from the owners of the little B&Bs and hotels where we're staying.
Here are my favorites:
Madame, we await your presence with much anticipation.
Mademoiselle, we love to see you very soon.
Mademoiselle, we warmly await your arrival.

(I love it... I'm a sucker for the sweet talk.)

This is an image from a fire garden in Manchester England. I love a good fire. I still remember sitting on the beach in Golden Gardens Park in Seattle on one of our last nights there. Some friends made us a beach picnic and we built a huge bonfire. One New Year's eve I was walking with my then boyfriend on another beach and we found a campfire and were invited to join in with New Years wine and fire watching as the year turned. Beach campfires are the best, you have the big water, the big fire, the sand, the quiet of the waves.

This morning I lit a fire in my backyard and burned a few things. I've been cleaning up and clearing out again and found some paper things that no longer belonged, so I tucked the paper things into the chimenea along with a few branches from the rosemary bush that didn't make it through last summer. The fire was pretty darn big and looked very dramatic and the smoke smelled pretty "herby".

It was a good fire, not a beach fire, but a good one, all the same.

yay they're home!

I just picked Kat and Leslie up from the airport, they were a little bleary from a bumpy ride from Houston, but home they are. The Atlanta screening was a turning point for us in so many ways.

• First of all, it's a huge honor to meet a former President and First Lady and for them to watch your little film.
• The audience was packed with mental health professionals who could speak about the impact of mental health on individuals, on families, on, well, on all of us, and what we can all do about it.
• We will get a lot of new screening possibilities from this screening arranged by our own Leslie Langee.
  

I heard the highlights on the way home, and it jazzed me, even in my weary, over worked state.

You know that Celexa (sp?) ad where the depressed person is sitting in a dark kitchen, with her finger in her coffee, wearing a housecoat? It disturbs me as much as the characters on film and in TV who "go crazy" and do terrible things.

In reality, depression and mental illness are more insidious. They can sneak in and and cloud up your whole life, mess up your relationships, your ability to function and to feel. The sooner we get past the stigma, and tell the truth (raise your hand if you've ever been on meds, seen a therapist - or would have if you'd had good insurance - taken "herbal" remedies, drank too much, turned to illegal substances, just to feel good again...Yeah, that's pretty much everyone n the room.) It effects all of us, rich, poor, smart, not so smart, CEOs and homeless people.

Sadly, mental health issues are often not covered by insurance, the assumption being, I guess, that if you're physically healthy, that's all that matters. Tell that to some of my homeless friends who struggle to pay for their meds every month, or to someone who is uninsured and could really use a good therapist or a chance to get some blood work done to see if the reason they don't want to get out bed in the morning might have something to do with their brain chemistry.

I was on antidepressants several years ago. I usually temper that with, "everyone I knew in Seattle was on meds", or "it rained 67 days straight that year". But that's' not the point. I'm a good Mom and being depressed got in the way of continuing to be a good Mom. I was depressed and I had great insurance and the doc and I took care of it. I've since learned to take better care of myself, I exercise, I eat right, I moved back to Texas and sunshine, etc. and I haven't been on meds since, but I would never rule it out.

Since then, I've met others who sheepishly admit they are or were on medication for depression, anxiety, whatever it is.

Maybe one day we can stop feeling ashamed of being human and get the care we need when we need it.

a week from Saturday....

I leave for Europe in about 6 days. I'm happy. I will not be planning, emailing or working. I will be turning back into that girl who backpacked around Europe, by herself sometimes, with friends sometimes, exploring, seeing, watching, wondering and wandering. She did just fine back then, and when she began her journey, she didn't speak a word of Greek, Yugoslavian, Italian, or French. She still navigated new places, train schedules, street markets and museums and she made many new friends. I will find that girl again, I will.

I will leave "ye olde comfort zone" ( thanks to Sheila O'Malley) and set out for places I've never been to see people I've never seen, with someone I think I know (my daughter) and someone I'm still getting to know again (that would be me).

I will have croissants for breakfast, local cheese and wine whenever it is offered to me and chocolate at least once a day. I will see medieval villages and walk through prehistoric caves. I will drive through the countryside and probably get lost a bit. I will see the place where my Great Uncle William died during the Battle of the Bulge. I will stroll through Paris so well that people will think I live there. When they ask me a question and discover I'm not a Parisian after all, they will understand and we will talk about it all over chocolate and wine or some good leftbank couscous. I expect my adventure to have a bit of danger, frustration, too, they all do, it's still an adventure, a much needed one.

Time will go slow at first and then speed up and go way too fast the last few days. As vacations go, this will be my first extended one in a very very long time, actually, it will be the first since I took the the long road trip back to Texas with Annalise. (I'm not counting work trips, field trips or trips where I had to be on charge or on "good behavior".)

Gregor will be house sitting for me, along with the neighbors and the dogs and the cats. Gregor is one tough sumabitch, so all will be well and safe on my return.

I've completed 4 of the 5 books, done a rough edit of roadside, still much to do, but I'm closer...

Friday = Good News Day

It's been rough week, friends. I've been working non stop on various deadlines, having meetings, gathering notes, etc. etc.

• The great thing about working for yourself is you aren't "cubed", your time is your own, and you get to keep your own hours.,
• The not so great thing is that when the work comes in, you gotta pounce on it.
• The rule is that when you're busy, you will get busier. The trick is to pace it, stay a little ahead of the curve, but most of the time, I'm juggling deadlines.

Some Good News

• Some good news today on the Brain Brawl and Roadside projects. Can't say much, but it's good.
• More good news for jumping off bridges. We screened at the Carter Center, Jimmy and Rosalyn were there. They were there, they watched the movie and they took pictures with people. Rosalyn introduced it...this gives me chills in a good way.
• Humphrey, my neighbor's dog who came down with something this morning is just fine. He ate something he shouldn't and he's really working the sympathy, but he's okay. Chico is fasting again (except for dog biscuits).
• Keni went on a real walk today. It wasn't far, but he did just fine and wagged and even ran with me in the park a bit. He still gets lots of comments on his beauty, too, as he should.

a few trip photos

Fox noted that I never published pictures from my last Nashville trip, so here you go:



the boy...







the girls...









the girls and me...






almost to Austin, this is the look that got us free banana bread at Starbucks...

Proud

A screening of the film, Jumping Off Bridges, will be held the night before the Rosalynn Carter Mental Health forum, on Thursday, May 17, 2007, at 7pm at The Carter Center Cecil B. Day Chapel. The film follows a group of adolescents and the impact a parental suicide has on their relationships. A panel discussion will accompany the film, which will be free of charge and open to the public. Please R.S.V.P for this event by calling (404) 420-3804. The film will also be screened during the Rosalynn Carter Georgia Mental Health Forum on May 18 at 10am.

I'm very proud of this screening and while I would love to be there, I went to almost every screening we had last fall and this will be Kat's night to shine and be proud and even tear up a bit. The film is the culmination of so much hard work and the talent of so many good people, to be able to screen it for Rosalynn Carter, well, that's grace.

(Kat has promised to try to get me Rosalyn's autograph, she's someone I'd like to meet one day, have a cup of tea with, ask her questions, and talk about our daughters.)

I could list all the things that are amazing about being a Mom, like the pride when you see your kid doing something amazing. (This starts when they first walk and talk and continues as they learn to read, ride a bike, take the school bus, give a report, play soccer, etc. I am lucky in that I actually get to watch my girl sing on stage in front of a lot of people.)

I could talk about the hard parts, the drudgery, the expectations of what Mom's are "supposed to be" and how we're "supposed to act". I don't really want to go there today, though. Expectations are boring.


I could talk about the fun parts...running through sprinklers to "show them how it's done", water fights, pushing swings too high, going to the park, riding bikes through the woods, getting talked into puppies and kittens, etc.
Instead, I'd like to list some of my favorite Mother's Day presents. Some I get every year, some I've collected through the years.

My Top Ten Mother's Day presents:

1. Breakfast in bed or just breakfast.
   
• I get this every year.
• Coffee is always included. Now Ace knows how to make my coffee strong and dark like I like it. (Just goes to show that I've taught her some important life skills. )
• In the early years, as this has been going on since Ace was 3ish, breakfast included toast and cut up fruit. Very delicious toast and cut up fruit, that is. (I used to call this a "French breakfast", and later we took this idea and turned it into a "French dinner" which was a plate of any fruit or cheese we happened to have in the house sliced and nicely arranged on a plate with any bread/crackers we happened to have in the house.)
• Now, I get eggs scrambled with feta cheese and spinach, toasted English muffins and cut up fruit.
2. A Superman t-shirt with cape attached.
• It is still hanging in the closet should there ever be someone who needs to be rescued from a burning building or a runaway train. I no longer rescue stray pets or people.
• Note: This t-shirt reminds me to focus on the big picture, "superhero stuff", things like loving yourself, taking care of yourself, because until you do that, you can't "wear the cape", it's not possible.
  
3. Coffee cup - hand painted with a dragon fly and "Mom".
• This year I got a new coffee cup, not handmade but beautiful all the same with a fabulous quote written on it.
• In past years, I've received coffee cups with famous paintings on them and other amazing handmade ones. Sadly, some have broken, I've kept them all the same.
  
4. Fancy handmade jewelry
5. A red dress. I haven't worn it, it's not my size, or shape, but I still have it in the closet and I will probably always have it in my closet where ever I live.
6. Flowers.
   
• This year I have a colorful bouquet of roses and this other flower whose name I can't remember right now, but I love it and Ace knows I love it, so there ya go.
• In years past, I've gotten handpicked bouquets from a neighbor's yard. They have always mostly understood and this hasn't happened in a very long time.
  
7. Pencil holder made from a juice can wrapped in blue/green and white yarn. I use this every day and it's on my desk.
8. Chocolate cake - This is a staple, I get new chocolate cake every year, it never goes out of style.
9. Art of all kinds. I have a handmade teapot painted my favorite shade of blue, hand painted glass plates, one with a sunburst, one with a yin yang, one with polka dots, A ladybug wall hanging, one pottery bowl with a sculpture inside, and other items too numerous to list, here.
10. Cards that make me cry. This year, it says, something like, "More than I appreciate all you do, I admire who you are." When I opened it, she said, "I knew that would get you." and, of course it still does, every single time.

Dash

A warm welcome to Dashiell Clair Chennault. Born 5/11/07. I hope to meet him in person very soon. I almost always cry when I hold a brand new baby, the newness, the hope, the audacity of birth overwhelms me.

I just finished 31 chapters of an anthropology book (my "day job") and am now off to celebrate by hanging with friends and seeing/sneaking into a double feature and eating guacamole.

We received our official welcome letter from New Day films.

Jumping off bridges will soon be in distribution .

(Damn, it feels good to write that. It feels good to know we've done all we can to keep our word to our cast, our crew, our investors and ourselves that their work will be seen, noticed and felt.)

We have a screening this month at the Carter (as in Jimmy) center.

(I won't be attending as I'll be completing a ton of work I have right now and prepping for my two week trip to France. In France I'll visit the D-Day beaches, see a chateau or two, see some prehistoric caves, and hang out in Paris and visit the museums, and bond with my amazing daughter while being somewhere we've never been together. But, I digress...)

I love New Day films. I love that I've already gotten emails from my new buddies there. We have a catalog buddy, a launch buddy, a DVD buddy, you name, it we have a buddy and buddies are cool.

Annalise is home and the house is full of her stuff as it's being unpacked and sorted. I hear her singing as she walks around. She rarely walks around without singing. One of the things I enjoy about having her home.

little J.

I've not seen him in months. I saw him tonight on the bridge. I can't tell you how good it felt to see him and how sad I've felt since. I always look for him when I cross that bridge and this time, he was there, with his bag full of paper. He still wears three or four coats, even in 80 degrees. He was missing his smile. He's not doing well. We chatted a bit and he met Cowgirl and Kat, and promised to come by Trinity. He's fallen, right through the cracks he's gone. But we're on it. He gave us all big hugs when we left, that's his way.

home....

I woke up Tuesday morning with a spider bite. One of the dangers of sleeping in a dormitory that is being moved out of. Stuff is being packed and unpacked from all corners, spiders are scurrying. I went for a little run around the soccer fields, then started the day, packing, hauling, moving things around. I met other parents in the hallway, met the friends and the boy again, who all helped, gave lots of hugs, took lots of pictures, and that was it, freshman year was over and we were on the road home.

We left Nashville on Tuesday around 2:30 and drove and drove and drove after loading up on smoothies and water and Pirate Puffs.

The little Toyota doesn't have a CD player, but a friend had given Ace 4 mix CDs of music that summarized their freshman experience. Ace had loaded all of them into Itunes , and thanks to the ITrip, we were set. We drove all the way to Memphis to the music of the freshman year soundtrack.

In Benton Arkansas we realized that this would not be a 1 day trip. We were making good time, but we'd gotten a late start. We stayed in Fort Worth, arriving at my best friend Maggie's house after 1:00 a.m. We started out again this morning around 11, stopped for snacks and coffee once and pulled up to the house around 2:00, proving once again that you can put a lot of stuff in a little car, that Toyota's are little workhorses and that we are good traveling companions.

It's good to be home. I'll be posting pictures of our adventures tomorrow...or maybe the next day.

ye olde comfort zone - "running from safety"

I love Sheila O'Malley's blog. Lately she's been revisiting books she read and what they meant to her then and, now.
In this entry, she goes back to Richard Bach, of all people, someone most of us had a fling with at one time...and, well, just give it a read.

ah, well, what ya gonna do

Today I carpooled 12 hours from Austin to Nashville. If I hadn't waited so long, I could have flown on SW, but, I waited too long. I do love a good road trip, but fast-stop-only-at-the-shell-station trips, not so much.
So, for 12 hours, I watched Texas turn into Arkansas into Tennessee.

Heard at a Shell station in Arkansas, just outside of Little Rock:
"I'm gonna check out the Shell Quick Stop shop, they had some unusual things in there, things I don't usually see, little cups and things."

It wasn't true, of course, they has the usual gimme caps, t-shirts, porcelain bells and coffee cups with phrases like, "Bubba's coffee".

My carpool companion and I, have very little in common. We both have kids at Belmont university, hence the quick trip to Nashville. I skirted the big issues, politics, religion, healthcare, using my favorite block, "dang, there are a lot of trucks out today, eh?"Many times divorce was mentioned as the great social ill, it ruins the kids, it's really really really a bad thing to do. I just shrugged "ah well, what ya gonna do?", as if to agree that there was just no fixin this one. Ghandi would have given me a B+.

I drove the last 300 miles, happily noting the mile markers counting down our arrival in Nashville. We drove up to the dorm and there was my daughter walking out to meet me. Tagging along behind her was that boy I've been hearing so much about. He reached out to shake my hand and I hugged him, which startled him a bit. I couldn't help it, I was so happy to be outside the car, to finally arrive, to have landed.

While Ace and the boy made another trip to the storage locker, I went to dinner with two of Ace's best friends and got the scoop on the niceness of the boy and a few other things. All good in those reports.

I was told the boy thinks I'm "cool and so little and not like a mom, ya know?" Maybe tomorrow I'll put on my "don't mess with my daughter" attitude and punch that boy in the shoulder, or something to show him I'm pretty tough and that he should be at least a little threatened by me, right? Nah, I can't help it, I like the kid...I like all of these kids.

I'm sleeping in the dorm tonight, in the bed of the roommate who just headed for home. The halls are full of girls, talking, laughing, hugging and occasionally tearing up at the idea of the first year of college being over. Two of them asked me, "Is this all bringing back memories?"

It took awhile, but then I remembered, Teresa, Diana, Kelly and Tammy, my little "dorm family". We stayed up until the wee hours talking about everything and nothing. We crushed on boys and made out with them between the dorms. We made many late night runs to the grocery store and one time Kelly and I, on a special mission to buy a friend a pregnancy test, ran into our English professor in the checkout line. It snowed one night and the next morning we joined the others in turning the campus into a kamikaze style snowball fight, after building one very skinny snowman. One night they all met me in my room late one night, having seen me driving around aimlessly in my car, crying. They handed me a spoon, passed me a pint of chocolate ice cream and said, "we got you some chocolate, we know you love chocolate, just talk when ready, we're here." There was the time Beth from Grand Rapids told me the best way to lose weight wasn't running at all, it was smoking and she could teach me how to smoke. Beth was disappointed when I couldn't hold a cigarette in my hand without laughing. There was the shocking wildness of the first frat party and deciding that drinking too much was really kind of stupid and boring and not even very fun. We would sneak certain smart boys in to play spades and talk all night about politics and anarchy and that Emerson essay. . .and it goes on...
So long ago. I'm sure we all promised each other we would stay in touch and be BFF, forever. I know we meant it at the time.

rescue me screening

Rescue Me screened at Jo's coffee shop last night, as a benefit for German Shepard Rescue, Emancipet and Rescuties. They made over $200 dollars, at least one dog was adopted and perhaps a few minds were changed.
I'm happy to report that since I made the film, Emancipet has gone from having a single surgery van and one vet, to having several vans, a clinic and 5 staff veterinarians. There are still animals being euthanized in Austin for being "extra", there still aren't any breeding regulations, no regulations on mandatory spay/neuter and still animals are released from the shelter without being spayed or neutered. Change happens slowly.
As I watched the film again I was less judgmental about the roughness of it, the audio problems, the lack of finesse. It was my first full length project, and I shot it "one-armed" and with more of a desire to document what I was seeing than a desire for perfection. I still believe that is how documentaries should be made. I don't like glossy, glitzy, documentaries. I don't like reenactments. I like it when I can pick up the camera when someone calls and says, "can we talk, now".
I also thought again about including the euthanasia in the film. The truth is that most of the people who see the film are already aware and seeing a euthanasia won't change anything for them. One festival told me they were going to show it, without the euthanasia. I nixed that. Yet seeing it again, watching the audience react to it, I wonder if it's too much. It has always seemed more honest to show the reality of what happens to the extra animals, not to just talk about what happens to them. I wanted to show that it happens even to puppies. I don't know.

The best part of the evening came after the screening when Beverly and Gordon each got up to speak about their rescue work and what it means to them. These were fine moments and as I watched them I realized they are why I made the film. In spite of the difficulties, the heartbreaks and the expense each of them makes a huge impact on the number of animals in Austin who are taken out of the shelter and found homes, each of them stays true to their values, they walk their talk.

All in all a good screening.

prophesies and time

I started this week with a heavy heart, long list of things I have to do, things I must do, things promised. I'm a dependable girl, I finish what I start, yet I also take on too much, assume I can exist in my office working like a fiend, getting things done. Still, freelancers must roll with the work, and when you get a lot of it, you gotta fit it in with the other things you're working on and living in.

Everyone thinks I'm very organized and on task. The secret is, I need unstructured, puttering, wasted time, too. Sometimes stare into the distance, watch the rain, sneak out for a run, surf the internet or watch TV.

This week there wasn't to be time for any of that. In addition to the freelance work ($$), there's a documentary pilot to complete editing, writing, a road trip to Nashville, a daughter in Nashville and that doesn't include the minutiae of dishes and laundry.

Despite the stress and the workload, I went in for my weekly shift at Trinity Center having allocated exactly 1.5 hours of the day, and no more, in order to stay on "my schedule". As it happened, I stayed longer, and as it happened, Zebra talked me into a ride to Whole Foods and a stop in between. I was relieved, actually, it felt good to get off schedule and off track.

In the car Zebra, who says she is psychic, and who was definitely animated and full of stories, as usual, started making her predictions. First she told me I'm surrounded by a golden glow and wings and this, she says, is my grandmother's spirit looking out for me. Then she said something that was a little disturbing. She said, one of the dogs in my backyard is in a lot of pain and I need to let him go.

I have no trouble believing Grandma Dovie would be beside me. I feel she's almost always there. Death, to me, is a passage, the body is gone, yet the legacy, the gifts, remain.

The second note about the dog, it's harder to take in. Keni is failing. He's failing. He's old, but he's holding on. He still wags when I come home, still asks for help up on the couch, still looks out for me as he's always done. I'm not ready to let him go and I won't be, ever. He's the dog that helped me raise my daughter. He's the gentle collie who leaned against the bad man who threatened me and scared him enough to make him leave. He's the gentle spirit who reminded me that there is strength in gentle. I'll up his meds, try homeopathic cures and maybe even doggie acupuncture. I still need him around.

rain

Last night I ran in the rain, a first for me, to actually choose to do this, I couldn't wait until it cleared up, had to get outside and move...as I ran my normal route, the air smelled sweeter, the rain intensifies the scent of all the spring blooms.
I came home drenched and happy.
I think this makes me an official running addict.

May Day

From the Writer's Almanac:

Today is May Day, a day on which you should wash your face with morning dew to keep yourself looking young and beautiful. You should also gather wildflowers and green branches, make some floral garlands, and set up a Maypole to dance around.

Or, you can just feel great about it being spring and the end of winter and when the new part of your life starts and that you're here with all the rest of us doing your best.